Extinguishing the Dumpster Fire that is my Life

  So the past few weeks of my life has been what I'll call a huge dumpster fire. My stress levels have been through the roof. This causing me to have more blackouts, which is like me losing consciousness but my body is still working. I can't control nor remember my actions during these blackouts. I end up doing violent and self-destructive things like attacking others, hurting myself, body convulsions, vomiting, and other stuff. It doesn't help that I hear and see things that are not there. People who have witnessed this describe these blackouts as possessions but there are no demons involved, just my brain is messed up. 
  Nearly a month ago, I was emitted into a psych hospital for suicidal thoughts. The week while I was there, the doctors diagnosed me with these disorders; PTSD, Schizoaffective Disorder, Borderline Personality disorder, plus anxiety and depression.
  It's a lot for an 18-year-old to cope with along with the responsibilities of becoming an adult. The doctors at the hospital have told me that I am unable to work until my mental health improves. That is even more stressful because I won't have a source of income until I am accepted for an SSI check. The therapists and psychologist helped me figure out my triggers and taught me coping skills. I was so excited to be able to go back home, thinking that things would be better and I will be able to improve my relationships with my boyfriend and roommate. I was wrong. 
  Things were steady for about a week but then everything went down hill. Long and personal story short, I went apeshit and almost killed myself again. The whole situation could have been resolved if I just stayed calm and collected but I let the voices and shadows win. I don't know what all I did, I just remember getting extremely upset and waking up in the hospital with my limbs strapped down to the bed. It was terrifying!
  After my friend who witnessed the event told me what all happened, I broke down. I was kicked out of the apartment I was living in with my boyfriend and our roommate and my, now ex, broke up with me. I was sobbing for hours in the hospital and screaming for someone with just end my life. I have lost everything because of my stupid, diseased brain! My parents came to the hospital and I explained everything. They said that I can move back in with them and were helping me throughout the night. The doctor emitted me back in the psych hospital. I was there for 3 days.
  When I got back I learned quite a bit. There was more to the picture that I wasn't seeing. My therapists, doctors, family, and friends helped me realize that. I am not going to say specifically what it is but now that I realize it I can better myself. 
  It's extremely hard! I miss him more than anything. I lost my one and only true love and best friend. I blame myself for everything even though it all wasn't just me. I am getting help so I may get healthy. I will do whatever it takes to better myself so I can get him back. I still love him and I always will. 

  That's why I was gone for so long and will most likely disappear randomly. On a lighter note, once I am motivated again I will be finishing up and posting some adoptables. I have to have some source of income until the SSI process goes through. They will most likely be $10.00 each. Thank you to all who have stuck with me this far. I really do appreciate it. <3